Quarterfinals: Vote for the best RTS unit of all time
Friends, we are doing important work—the work of determining, through democracy and science (maybe), what RTS unit deserves to be held aloft and named the greatest RTS unit of all time. It’s a lot of responsibility.
Last week, the war began. 16 units entered, 8 units survived. There were close battles. Dawn of War’s unstable Psyker and Battle for Middle-earth’s Rohirrim were neck and neck for most of the voting period, swapping positions with every blow traded. But in the end, those long-haired horse boys won. Then there were the ass-kickings. Right from the word go, Warcraft’s Peon raked in the votes, leaving Rise of Legends’ majestic Glass Dragon battered a bruised.
We salute the losers—they were good, but not good enough. And now the victors must return to the battlefield to duke it out again. It’s time for the quarterfinals, baby!
The quarterfinals bracket
Things are getting tense. We’re going to have to make some difficult decisions. Will our collective love for funny little green guys keep the Peon from being obliterated by the mighty Mammoth Tank? Will the Mirage Tank’s ability to pretend to be a tree help it survive against Darth Vader’s personal Star Destroyer? This is all up to you.
All four of my personal picks made it to the quarterfinals (thank you, thank you), but now I’m nervous. Now that we’re down to eight competitors, I’ve got a pick in each fight. I could win it all! Or I could lose everything. Harrowing stuff. I’m particularly worried about the Dolphin vs Priest battle. Our sleek, squeaky pal utterly dominated the Sonic Tank in the last round, but the Priest was incredibly popular—only the Peon had a more clear-cut battle.
It would be inappropriate for me to try and influence your vote, but just let me ask you this: do you really want to see a heroic, noble creature of the sea getting crushed by organised religion? Let your conscience guide you.
As before, you’ll be able to vote on each battle below until the end of Sunday (BST). Otherwise, there are no rules. Chaos reigns! Vote based on vibes, aesthetic, hyper-specific grudges or just who you think would win in a fight. Right, let’s get back to the war!
Peon vs Mammoth Tank
Peon (Warcraft 3)
The real heroes of Warcraft, Peons are mistreated, disrespected and undervalued by orcish society, but they are the most critical cog in the Horde’s war machine. They get called “dogs” and “cowards”, and yeah, they might enjoy the occasional nap—but they work hard! They deserve a rest!
Orcs are classist dickheads. Without Peons, you’d have no great halls, no barracks, no trained warriors. Peons avoid conflict not because they are cowards, but because they know they are too important to die in battle—that the future of their people hinges on them building a new gold mine or chopping down some trees.
And if it comes down to it, they’ll fight, either directly (which they are, frankly, terrible at) or by holing up in a burrow. They can do it all! Zug zug, my friends. Zug zug. —Fraser Brown, Online Editor
Mammoth Tank
God bless these great, trundling beasts—implacable Soviet strength wrought in steel and pig iron.
Mammoth Tanks are unfathomably costly and painfully slow, but whatever. I’m convinced just one of them could probably win the entire RA1 Soviet campaign by itself. Akh-knowledged. —Joshua Wolens, News Writer
Rohirrim vs Pride of Hiigara
Rohirrim (Lord of the Rings: Battle for Middle-earth)
The Ride of the Rohirrim is a very influential movie moment for a young lad. I, for example, decided that the only faction I could play in Lord of the Rings: Battle for Middle-earth was Rohan. And the only unit I would enjoy playing were the Rohirrim.
I’d get my long-haired horse boys fresh out of the stable, hand them forged blades (made the tips of their spears glow), as much heavy armour as I could afford, then arrange them into a neatly-formed flying V formation. My entire operation was focused on powering through as fast as possible until I could get my horde of superpowered spearmen on horseback. Every playthrough—every damn playthrough.
These Rohirrim were basically a cheat code. They could easily trample Sauron’s armies under hoof. Just line them up, set them off, and watch carnage ensue. I’m rewatching the Ride of the Rohirrim as I write this and it makes me want to boot the game right back up again—goosebumps. —Jacob Ridley, Managing Editor, Hardware
Pride of Hiigara (Homeworld 2)
While other ships are spitting out missiles and other little projectiles, the Homeworld Mothership is spitting out capital ships. It is both a unit and your base—an impossibly huge mobile factory that can carry your whole fleet inside of it. Its direct offensive capabilities are extremely limited, but like I said: It can spit out capital ships.
I’ve picked the Kushan/Hiigaran version specifically because of its iconic design, which for me is right up there with the Enterprise D and Star Destroyers. While it’s largely stationary in the original Homeworld (at least in the campaign), it’s fully mobile in Homeworld 2, giving it an extra dose of utility. —Fraser Brown, Online Editor
Mirage Tank vs Super Star Destroyer
Mirage Tank (Command and Conquer: Red Alert 3)
Most tanks are performative. They’re like those folks who film themselves in the gym, flexing their muscles, grunting and getting in everyone’s way. But not the Mirage Tank—it’s sneaky. You wouldn’t even notice it in the gym. You’d just be left to wonder, “Who put this tree in the gym?” And then it cuts right through you with its spectrum dispersion cannon.
It was already one of the coolest units ever created in Red Alert 2, but Red Alert 3’s version introduces more disguises and enhances the unit’s DPS capabilities. It can be a sneaky assassin on its own, but a group of them can make short work of an enemy base. —Fraser Brown, Online Editor
Executor Super Star Destroyer (Star Wars: Empire at War)
My colleagues have, for some reason, chosen to prioritize things like “funny voice lines” and “subtext” while proposing their favorite RTS units. Sorry, gang: you’re about to get crushed by 19 kilometers of steel and turbolasers.
This enormous Death Triangle is the ultimate wish fulfilment vessel in Empire at War, one of my favorite Star Wars games. It’s not a top-tier RTS, but it is top-tier Star Wars fantasy in game form, letting you move around a bunch of little toy ships and play out the “what if” of throwing Rogue Squadron’s ace pilots up against a Star Destroyer. They’ve got a real chance in that fight, but not against the Executor, Darth Vader’s personal ride.
The damn thing is practically the size of Manhattan, and you can really feel that scale in the game. It makes regular Star Destroys look like Doritos by comparison. It’s swimming with so many turbolaser batteries it can bully an entire Rebel fleet by itself. Don’t even try that A-Wing trick against it—that sort of nonsense only works in the movies. —Wes Fenlon, Senior Editor
Dolphin vs Priest
Dolphin (Command and Conquer: Red Alert 2)
The Dolphin—what a superstar. You could be forgiven for treating these sleek, squeaky critters like nothing more than scouts, with their lack of armour and impressive speed. But you’d be wrong. They are killers.
In a group, Dolphins are unstoppable gods of war, able to deftly take out buildings and vessels with their sonic blasts. They should be feared and respected. Sure, the Soviets think they have naval superiority, but once the Allies start churning out Dolphins, it’s game over, man. —Fraser Brown, Online Editor
Priest (Age of Empires)
“Wololo.” I win. —Jody Macgregor, Weekend Editor
